Navigating New Waters of Grief from Tsunamis to Ripples on the Waves Toward Healing
Published on American Institute of Stress: Contentment Magazine
Grief, a shared human experience, transcends the boundaries of economic status and our calendars. It can manifest slowly or suddenly, catching us off guard, whether the loss is a person, pet, or experience. The harsh reality is that no one is immune to grief and loss. It can be a collective experience in a community, within a family, or even on a global scale, like the pandemic. Yet, it can also be a solitary journey in one's life.
The pre-death stages of grief in my life were a rollercoaster of emotions experienced with family and friends over the years. They were ever evolving as hospital and medical situations presented themselves. One particular moment was the four month decline in my father's health from a Thanksgiving hospital admission to his ultimately passing before Christmas. The emotional intensity of driving to New York from Maryland to visit him in the hospital was nothing compared to the return ride home.
The horror in my eyes seeing him with a distended abdomen from lifestyle choices while touching and talking to him was sadly embedded in my heart that day. Leaving the hospital to drive back to Maryland alone, I sensed the need to run away. By that, I mean the inevitable reality of death. That was the last time I would see my father, and the tangible, visceral reaction was an emotional floodgate of tears. I cried the entire journey on 95 South from Long Island to Maryland. During that trip home, I shielded my face and tears from the many toll booth operators while these raw emotions made it seem like ten hours, not five!
The possible cause of the death of four close childhood friends in our neighborhood of Queens, New York, ended up being a moment of reckoning for me. Part of the reality of their deaths was found out after I left home at 19 but returned to their funeral’s years later. It evolved over 15 years, losing these four vibrant, robust women in their 50s and 60s, possibly to a hidden dark secret in our town. They each died of a form of cancer, and we all lived within a few-block radius
Still, they never knew that our town became a Superfund site, the EPA's environmental program that cleans up one local company's man-made chemical pollution and waste.1 The result was that human health (cancer) and environmental risks were ever present as we grew up in this Queens town we loved.
During these grief-filled years, my anger and disdain for a company's profits over people resulted in my having to do something to honor and bless their lives for the good of others. During these years, I held fundraisers for some of their cancers, giving on-site seated massages for donations. I also taught the community and my clients about essential oils and how to enhance robust health to lessen stress and have a more balanced body.
Our last friend, whose life we celebrated a few years ago in August for her birthday, resulted in it being unique, emotional, and sensitive due to her cancer and status. As sisters, close friends, former Girl Scouts, and stoop ball warriors, we had our share of laughter, joy, praying, and letting go when she needed to be alone and still in her room. It began our pre-griefs of crying and letting go of our beautiful friend who served her church, children and community, as she was such a light for us all. These bereavement periods prepared me for the years that were to follow while dealing professionally on this emotional roller coaster of grief with clients during their waters of grief.
When someone says their sadness and loneliness from a loss weigh heavy on their heart, that is one profound truth. As a bodyworker and massage therapist, I would add that it is also reflected in their body, mind, soul, and spirit. Connective tissue, such as muscles, tendons, ligaments, and fascia, responds to this heavy emotional burden felt when grieving. Visually seeing a client's face and demeanor during this time initiates the need to hug them, which I may do.
Each client begins their massage time by updating me on how they feel regarding their work/home life while dealing with this loss. Many will say it is sometimes overwhelming and intense, and they need to relax with less thinking. That is why they come and rely on therapeutic massage: to be still and present, hearing peaceful music while breathing in calming essential oils to reduce this heavy stress.
My massage techniques are tailored for each person. Still, I am particularly intentional with lighter, slower strokes to enhance the calming of the central nervous system, which has been on high alert. Suggesting breathwork along the way is imperative, as many people under stress hold their breath. Another beautiful technique is Thai rocking massage, which allows me to gently rock the lower back, legs, and arms with both feet simultaneously to instill a powerful release of stored negative energy
During their massage, the heat on their hands, feet, and eventually their back offers a soothing, comforting space for a grieving client to feel. My awareness of their waves of grief is noteworthy, as moments of tears may be released, as they are physically releasing the need to "hold it together" since the loss. After praying out loud for my client at the end of the massage, I'm reminded it is an honor to be trusted with another fellow human going through this grieving process. Witnessing the profound shift in their body, such as standing taller, sharing a smile, and feeling lighter, is a blessing for both of us. Not to forget, the heart is at peace. Allowing a moment to recognize that my client is still worthy, loving, and whole deep inside takes me out of the equation to lessen the grief but meet them in peace.
The Journal of Clinical Nursing, in 2010, had the first-ever published study by Berit S. Cronfalk to document the benefits of massage for grief, focusing on family members who lost a loved one from cancer.2 The title is Soft Tissue Massage: Early Intervention for Relatives Whose Family Members Died in Palliative Cancer Care. The consolation they felt was apparent and helpful in a timely way, allowing a moment of rest and renewed energy. Having one holistic mind-body-spirit support during this time of grief shed light on this profound touch therapy to connect the entire continuum of the body as a whole.
Complexities of Compounded Grief
Cumulative Grief
Whenever I hear or know of someone who lost one to four or more loved ones in a compressed time, it is a shock, knowing this is someone's reality. Having time in between the death of a friend or loved one gives time to process and allows space for healing. Recently, a client lost her husband, then, within a year, his mother, who she was very close to. Gratefully, she was able to be still with a relaxing massage to restore and find balance from lack of sleep and foggy thinking. Here is her insight: "Going through grief is much like going through fear. Suddenly, I was anxious, fearful, doubting myself, and felt as though my brain was frozen - like an ongoing panic attack. I felt out of touch with life around me and always had a heightened sense of anxiousness. Linda's knowledgeable touch, expert techniques, and compassionate manner grounded me, calmed my nerves, and helped put me in touch with a positive outlook. I felt centered, relaxed, and peaceful for the rest of the day and slept well that night. It was just the respite I needed to face the world again."
Dr. Carla Cheatham, the author of Hospice Whisperers: Stories of Life, echoes the above sentiments of emotional and physical fatigue during cumulative grief. She suggests being kind to yourself, aware of and protective of your emotions. Quiet spaces and healthy foods help nourish the body. She also recommends keeping an eye on movement in the sunshine, staying hydrated, and paying attention to high consumption of sugar, caffeine, or alcohol at this time.3
Loss on Top of High Stress
In the region of the countryside where I live and work, amid two big cities, Washington and Baltimore, there is a fast pace of life, heavy traffic, and, not to forget, escalating levels of unchecked, chronic stress for many. Once the death of a friend, loved one, or even co-worker is part of a busy life, the state of being overwhelmed can quickly take over. Rising systemic inflammation in the body is impacted, according to the research on bereaved spouses, along with lower immunity.4
Season of Shared Loss
This one is close to my heart as my family has experienced the deaths of many relatives from November through December. My younger brother passed away a week before Thanksgiving, my mom at the beginning of November, and the losses of my great aunt and dad in the weeks before Christmas. The most recent loss was my beloved mother in 2023, and without a doubt, we began traditions with family members to honor her life and legacy to allow all the grandkids to remember their GG with love.
Anchor and Tips for the Waters of Grief
Tangible.
Begin each day (and through the day) with box breathing to oxygenate your body and help you feel calmer.5 Inhale for a four count, hold your breath for four, exhale for four, and then hold again for four. Move daily as medicine for the body by walking, running, gardening, and staying hydrated by drinking water (half the body weight in ounces) for optimum health. Alcohol may make you more emotional, so be mindful and aware. Keep your body in a hardy state with less sugar, more garlic, vitamins C and B, spinach, almonds, green tea, and cinnamon spice.
Informational.
Pay attention to the added stress from grief, being aware of headaches, higher pain, or insomnia. Reading about the vagus nerve in Dr. Navaz Habib's book, Activate Your Vagus Nerve, will help you tune into this rest/digest recovery system. Besides breathwork, other vagus nerve activators like humming, massage, yin yoga, meditation, and prayer become timely tools.6 Getting sufficient deep sleep of 7–9 hours may be challenging but much needed, as I could not sleep well after Mom's passing. It is not an issue today, as I listen to specific music frequencies and apply organic, hexane-free, castor oil on my feet nightly and then socks.
Practical.
Throughout the day, if you are hyperfocusing on sadness or feeling stuck, stop, go outside in nature and walk, taking notice of the birds and trees. Practice intentional gratitude, returning to your heart, stating three things you are grateful for, and shifting your emotions. Turn to prayer, meditation, and your faith to carry you through rough patches, and remember to connect with others; family, friends, or a grief group. Intentionally relax daily to get out of fight-flight-freeze's sympathetic nervous system loop through acupuncture or Emotional Freedom Tapping.7
According to a study on laughter and smiling during bereavement, smiles and laughter allow for physiological shifts in the body, affect emotions, lessen anger, create space for joy, and reduce stress.8 Consider having a compassionate friend join you for your favorite funny movie which brings you joy and laughter.
Like a peace plant, which may wither and appear dead, when I return home from a vacation, with love (water) and attention to life, the plant returns to its beauty and vitality in growth. As fellow humans, we all have moments of withering from grief, but knowing there is still life, love, and a desire in the heart is the gift that grief offers. Take those tsunamis of emotions that appear in waves and realize they may lessen to gentle ripples in the water over time. Peace is possible.
References
1. https://cumulis.epa.gov/supercpad/CurSites/csitinfo. cfm?id=0202827
2. Cronfalk, B, Ternestedt, B and Strang, P, Soft tissue massage: early intervention for relatives whose family members died in palliative care. Journal of Clinical Nursing 19(7–8), 2010.
3. Cheatham, C. Hospice Whisperers: Stories of Life. http:// carlacheatham.com/
4. Knowles, L, Ruiz, J, and O’Connor, M. A systemic review of the association between bereavement and biomarker of immune function. Psychosom Med, 2019.
5. Balban, M, Neri, E, Kogon, M, et al. Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal, Cell Rel Med, 2023.
6. Habib, N. Activate your vagus nerve, unleash your body’s natural ability to heal. Ulysses Press, 2019.
7. www.thetappingsolution.com.
8. Keltner, D and Bonanno, G. A study of laughter and dissociation: distinct correlates of laughter and smiling during bereavement, APA PsycNet, 1997
